KNOCK. KNOCK.

I am breaking.  

A couple months ago, I started having intense pain in my chest, although pain isn’t how I would describe it.  It hurts, yes. But I would call it a tightness — a massive hand gripping my heart and lungs, unrelenting.

The first time It happened, I was at work. I almost dropped to my knees in the middle of the warehouse.  

“Is this a heart attack?”  

“Am I just tired — out of shape?”

I wasn’t sure what this feeling meant.  So I went to the doctor. They asked me a few questions and then hooked me up to an EKG.  When the results came in he walked into the room and he looked at me like I had a third eye.  

He started asking more questions.  

“Do you drink…?”

“No.”

“Do you smoke…?”

“No.”

There were some other questions as well.  We spoke about depression but it was brief.  He continued to look at me like I was crazy. “Well the EKG isn’t showing us anything.  Your heart is fine. You are fine.” Then he started to advise on me how I was lifting the boxes at my job.  At this point, I was over it. I know what I’m feeling and I also know it has little nothing to do with how I am lifting boxes.  

At some point after the doctor’s appointment, I was talking to my mom and mentioned the situation.  I told her, “I think its anxiety.”

“Yea.  I used to have anxiety attacks that felt like heart attacks.”  She said.

Damn.

My anxiety has launched an offensive.  And I am losing.

It’s been about 2 months since the first time I felt it at my job.  After the visit to the doctor and the conversation with my mom, I started turning my awareness towards my heart.  I thought it was only happening at work. But I also noticed it in other high emotional places in my life.

My relationships, my job, my finances, etc.  majority of my life is fraught with uncertainty, hurt and distrust.  And i can feel everything I’ve been holding onto — bitterness, resentment, fear, rage — clawing into me.  Over the years, I have mastered the art of masking my feelings — lying. I lie about how I feel more often than not.  And I am so skilled, I fool myself often. And those lies have spawned what might be my own downfall.

You can rob Peter to pay Paul, but Peter will get his due — sooner or later.  Peter is knocking on my door.

So here I am:  Sitting on my front porch.  There is a beautiful tree across the street from me.  It has bloomed with vibrant pink flowers that sway gently in this cool breeze.  I can’t even enjoy it over the throbbing in my chest.

 

Read more

START

Don’t overthink the start.  Simply start.  Start simple.  Perfection is overrated.  When we do the thing to completion consistently, we get closer to perfection.  So the question isn’t if perfection is attainable.  The question is are we willing to put in the work it requires to improve to that level. And we may never see perfection.  But that isn’t the point.  Perfection is overrated; Process is the treasure.  The journey is the reward.  The successful ones are the ones who can’t get enough of the process.  They value progress over perfection.  To be obsessed with perfection is to the put the sled before the husky.

Perfection is overrated…

Read more

Pause

The Pause i just as, if not more, important than the action.  I am reminded of the quote from Abraham Lincoln:

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening my axe.”

My mentor founder and creator of The Hell Yes Life Academy, Pat Russo,  posted on instagram a while back.  The post had two words on it:  Hustle and Align.  and the word Hustle is crossed out.  Sometimes we get preoccupied with the hustle and the grind but forget to position ourselves in the best way possible  — we forget to Align.  Life is about the set up as much as it is about the success.

The Pause is how we set ourselves up.  Its the work we do when no one is around and no one can see.  It’s what allows us to be confident when the hurdles pop up.  We know we have prepared for any and everything.

We set ourselves up for this.

Pause. Breathe.

 

Read more

What Do I Have To Lose?

It is amazing how skilled I am at talking myself out of pursuing my passion.  I am passionate about ideas and creativity, so I thought it would be great to offer my capacity for generating and developing ideas to the world as a consulting business, of sorts.  My self talk was instantaneous.  I started to think of all the reasons I shouldn’t;  all the ways I am not qualified to offer this service.  But that has to change somewhere, right?  I believe I am a creative genius.  And I also believe that I can help people develop their ideas.

So…Why not?  What do I have to lose?

Read more

Emotions

Emotions are simple.  Simple is not the same as easy.  I learned today how ill equipped I am at working through and handling my emotions.  My Love started to question me bout how I was feeling today and I could feel my insides revolting.  They were fighting me to remain hidden behind my eyelids and encased in my chest.  An inner struggle ensued.  Wanting to release but being blocked by the habit of evasion.  Emotions are simple; emotions aren’t easy.  I didn’t know I needed help in working through these things.  After today, I know I need to get help.

 

Read more