the sun

today began weary with rain. i would

describe the shades of gray; the cold of

the rain; But something Happened.  the

sun Happened.  the sun started painting

against the gray like an abstract expressionist

throwing colors at the day, spoiling the drab

and letting the art shape itself.  this piece of

art called today has become its own symbol —

a memorial.  the sun is always Happening.

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I am breaking.  

A couple months ago, I started having intense pain in my chest, although pain isn’t how I would describe it.  It hurts, yes. But I would call it a tightness — a massive hand gripping my heart and lungs, unrelenting.

The first time It happened, I was at work. I almost dropped to my knees in the middle of the warehouse.  

“Is this a heart attack?”  

“Am I just tired — out of shape?”

I wasn’t sure what this feeling meant.  So I went to the doctor. They asked me a few questions and then hooked me up to an EKG.  When the results came in he walked into the room and he looked at me like I had a third eye.  

He started asking more questions.  

“Do you drink…?”


“Do you smoke…?”


There were some other questions as well.  We spoke about depression but it was brief.  He continued to look at me like I was crazy. “Well the EKG isn’t showing us anything.  Your heart is fine. You are fine.” Then he started to advise on me how I was lifting the boxes at my job.  At this point, I was over it. I know what I’m feeling and I also know it has little nothing to do with how I am lifting boxes.  

At some point after the doctor’s appointment, I was talking to my mom and mentioned the situation.  I told her, “I think its anxiety.”

“Yea.  I used to have anxiety attacks that felt like heart attacks.”  She said.


My anxiety has launched an offensive.  And I am losing.

It’s been about 2 months since the first time I felt it at my job.  After the visit to the doctor and the conversation with my mom, I started turning my awareness towards my heart.  I thought it was only happening at work. But I also noticed it in other high emotional places in my life.

My relationships, my job, my finances, etc.  majority of my life is fraught with uncertainty, hurt and distrust.  And i can feel everything I’ve been holding onto — bitterness, resentment, fear, rage — clawing into me.  Over the years, I have mastered the art of masking my feelings — lying. I lie about how I feel more often than not.  And I am so skilled, I fool myself often. And those lies have spawned what might be my own downfall.

You can rob Peter to pay Paul, but Peter will get his due — sooner or later.  Peter is knocking on my door.

So here I am:  Sitting on my front porch.  There is a beautiful tree across the street from me.  It has bloomed with vibrant pink flowers that sway gently in this cool breeze.  I can’t even enjoy it over the throbbing in my chest.


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Don’t overthink the start.  Simply start.  Start simple.  Perfection is overrated.  When we do the thing to completion consistently, we get closer to perfection.  So the question isn’t if perfection is attainable.  The question is are we willing to put in the work it requires to improve to that level. And we may never see perfection.  But that isn’t the point.  Perfection is overrated; Process is the treasure.  The journey is the reward.  The successful ones are the ones who can’t get enough of the process.  They value progress over perfection.  To be obsessed with perfection is to the put the sled before the husky.

Perfection is overrated…

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The Pause i just as, if not more, important than the action.  I am reminded of the quote from Abraham Lincoln:

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening my axe.”

My mentor founder and creator of The Hell Yes Life Academy, Pat Russo,  posted on instagram a while back.  The post had two words on it:  Hustle and Align.  and the word Hustle is crossed out.  Sometimes we get preoccupied with the hustle and the grind but forget to position ourselves in the best way possible  — we forget to Align.  Life is about the set up as much as it is about the success.

The Pause is how we set ourselves up.  Its the work we do when no one is around and no one can see.  It’s what allows us to be confident when the hurdles pop up.  We know we have prepared for any and everything.

We set ourselves up for this.

Pause. Breathe.


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What Do I Have To Lose?

It is amazing how skilled I am at talking myself out of pursuing my passion.  I am passionate about ideas and creativity, so I thought it would be great to offer my capacity for generating and developing ideas to the world as a consulting business, of sorts.  My self talk was instantaneous.  I started to think of all the reasons I shouldn’t;  all the ways I am not qualified to offer this service.  But that has to change somewhere, right?  I believe I am a creative genius.  And I also believe that I can help people develop their ideas.

So…Why not?  What do I have to lose?

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Emotions are simple.  Simple is not the same as easy.  I learned today how ill equipped I am at working through and handling my emotions.  My Love started to question me bout how I was feeling today and I could feel my insides revolting.  They were fighting me to remain hidden behind my eyelids and encased in my chest.  An inner struggle ensued.  Wanting to release but being blocked by the habit of evasion.  Emotions are simple; emotions aren’t easy.  I didn’t know I needed help in working through these things.  After today, I know I need to get help.


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Today felt long.  I don’t feel like I did much.  We drove to Charlotte to pick my children up from their Mimi’s house.  It’s something about being in the car for long periods of time that can feel draining.  But it’s great to be back with my family again.  This week has been good for me without them.  Recalibrating.  Reenergizing.  Solitude is my paradise. It makes me better for my family.  When I am mentally, emotionally, and physically sound my family is to.  As I go, they go.  I need to make sure I find time every month to make sure I’m doing the inner work and self care I need.   This week taught me so many lessons about myself that I needed to learn.

Now I am back with the family and it feels amazing.

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streams Pt. 1

The awkwardness of my consciousness streams. Imposter syndrome. Feeling false feeling false.
false feeling; Phantom pleasure; delusions of pain. Delusions of Grandeur
Thoughts of suicide
The illusion of death vs the reality of immortality. Out of touch with life while death is reaching for my throat. I can’t hide or escape. Face it like a mask.
face it like a crooked smile that desperately wishes to be perfect. Eking out an existence that dwarfs meager. Larger than life dreams; nightmares smaller than black widows, and far more deadly. Don’t forget me. Don’t un-remember you.

These words are my home.

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The Job

Today I was on instagram and I heard Adrienne Young, the author of an excellent novel called Sky In The Deep, say “You should start treating your writing like a job before you start making money from it.”  Have you ever heard something over and over again, know it to be true, and then one day you hear it and it strikes a new chord inside you?  When I heard that statement it resonated with me stronger than it ever has before.  I need to start seeing this as a job — more than a hobby.  And that will signal to the Universe just how serious I am about these words.

Lets work!

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I had a random conversation in the bookstore today.  The young lady I was talking to said “This next generation don’t care about nothing.”

This is symbolic of where we are as a society.

What if we practiced believing the best about one another?  What if we made a habit of speaking life over those that are different than us?  It is easy to get caught up in appearances and forget that we don’t have all the answers either.  My response to that was “I believe in them.  And I believe they care.”

I want my default to believe despite how it may look from the outside.

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