Attachments. Pain. Insecurities.

I am home from picking the boys up from their Nana’s house. My Love and I are going to watch another episode, or 3, of The Handmaids Tale and I am thinking about attachments, pain, insecurities and how all of these elements intermingle to make up what we think of us as our identity — the core of who we are.  On the way home, my Love and I got into a little bit of an argument about me being of the lighter complexion and some of the ways I have felt about my skin.

When we started dating I had always thought I was “dark-skinned”and it wasn’t until we started to talk that I realized how she saw me. One time she described me as a white man.

I was insulted.

Not that there is anything wrong with being a white man. It’s just, I am not a white man.Long story short, I lashed out at her. I was determined to make my point so I got passionate, also known as loud. And I “won”.

Takia, my Love, and I have discovered some key differences in how we approach the world.She likes to feel grounded, anchored to something. It gives her a sense of security.

I, on the other hand, want to feel detached.

I have a tendency to let anger consume me. And the cure has been to surrender to life and let it flow how it will. To detach. For me, with attachments come anger, aggression; the need to defend what doesn’t need defense.I found a calm in not taking Life too serious. I began trying to look at life without labels of good, bad, positive, negative. I found a peace in not wanting Life to be anything other than it was.

Many times, this leaves me feeling open and exposed — uncertain.  But the peace makes it worth it.

And it’s moments like tonight that show me where my attachments lie.  When my peace is interrupted I know I am still attached to something.  This time it was the color of my skin. How dark it is; how light it is . . .  Somehow, I am still finding my identity in something so trivial.

It is disturbing.

I hate the feelings I have after I have protected myself. The walls go up so easy; it’s comfortable inside of my shell. So to escape the pain I run into my shell where it’s dark and no one can reach me.

Now, it is time to let go of this defense mechanism. It is time to open my heart. And keep it open even when it gets uncomfortable, dangerous.Because to cut myself off from what I perceive as the negative aspects of this Life is to cut myself from all of it.

I am grateful for these icky moments; they show where I can expand.

Expansion is the goal.

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