Long

Today felt long.  I don’t feel like I did much.  We drove to Charlotte to pick my children up from their Mimi’s house.  It’s something about being in the car for long periods of time that can feel draining.  But it’s great to be back with my family again.  This week has been good for me without them.  Recalibrating.  Reenergizing.  Solitude is my paradise. It makes me better for my family.  When I am mentally, emotionally, and physically sound my family is to.  As I go, they go.  I need to make sure I find time every month to make sure I’m doing the inner work and self care I need.   This week taught me so many lessons about myself that I needed to learn.

Now I am back with the family and it feels amazing.

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streams Pt. 1

The awkwardness of my consciousness streams. Imposter syndrome. Feeling false feeling false.
false feeling; Phantom pleasure; delusions of pain. Delusions of Grandeur
Thoughts of suicide
The illusion of death vs the reality of immortality. Out of touch with life while death is reaching for my throat. I can’t hide or escape. Face it like a mask.
face it like a crooked smile that desperately wishes to be perfect. Eking out an existence that dwarfs meager. Larger than life dreams; nightmares smaller than black widows, and far more deadly. Don’t forget me. Don’t un-remember you.

These words are my home.

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The Job

Today I was on instagram and I heard Adrienne Young, the author of an excellent novel called Sky In The Deep, say “You should start treating your writing like a job before you start making money from it.”  Have you ever heard something over and over again, know it to be true, and then one day you hear it and it strikes a new chord inside you?  When I heard that statement it resonated with me stronger than it ever has before.  I need to start seeing this as a job — more than a hobby.  And that will signal to the Universe just how serious I am about these words.

Lets work!

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Practice

I had a random conversation in the bookstore today.  The young lady I was talking to said “This next generation don’t care about nothing.”

This is symbolic of where we are as a society.

What if we practiced believing the best about one another?  What if we made a habit of speaking life over those that are different than us?  It is easy to get caught up in appearances and forget that we don’t have all the answers either.  My response to that was “I believe in them.  And I believe they care.”

I want my default to believe despite how it may look from the outside.

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One Decision

When I got out of the shower this morning, I thought about a quote I heard while listening to The 5 Second Rule:  Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage by Mel Robbins.  

“YOU ARE ONE DECISION AWAY FROM CHANGING YOUR LIFE.”

It has become cliche but it still rings true.  I think that’s why cliches happen: they resonate with so many people it spreads like wildfire.

It doesn’t matter what your day was like yesterday.  Maybe you didn’t reach your daily goal, or you forgot your daily goal completely, or maybe you haven’t even set one to forget.  Whatever your situation you can create a new one.

Starting with one decision.

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Desire VS Discipline

I’ve been thinking about the relationship between Desire and Discipline; what we want and what we are willing to sacrifice for it.  I am obsessive about the things I want. But the habits I’ve established don’t seem to support them.  When I think about habits I also think about Karma.  The cause and the effect.  The reaping and the sowing.  When I don’t get what I want I can trace it to some habit that created this result.  My destiny is written between the lines of my habits and routines.  If I change the way I think about my life — the approach to every circumstance I encounter — I guarantee the results will change as well.  The journey is beginning.

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BELIEVE

I wrote a few words in my novel today.  I didn’t write as many as I would have liked.  The words weren’t coming as smooth as I wanted them to.  Those are the moments when it is imperative that we believe in ourselves.

I have been speaking affirmations over my life the last couple days.  I have been saying “I am a best selling, award winning novelist and poet.”  Today I said, “I am a best selling, award winning novelist and poet…BUT NOT TODAY!”

I should have said my usual affirmation, put my head down, and complete my 2,000 word goal for today.  I will get them next time.

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strings of my heart

the strings of my heart are pulled taut as i stare at the terror filled faces of children locked behind cages.  separated; torn from all they know for reasons beyond them.  who are we?  what are we doing?  how did we arrive here, at this place?  what can be done?  what should be said?  Patience.  Kindness.  Love.  Compassion.  answers hiding in plain sight; questions remain.  tears are relentless.  trying to claw their way onto my face.  but i refuse.  my face stays calm and my posture straightens.  my forehead is steel.  not because i don’t feel — i feel it all.  but these children — these families — don’t need our emotion, empty words.  they need action.

but i don’t know what to do…

 

 

 

 

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Trust

Commitment.  Today hasn’t gone as planned.  As a result, writing this post didn’t happen when I wanted it to.  But  have committed to doing this 100 words every day.  The point for me isn’t who is reading; it is about doing what I said I would do and doing my best to keep those commitments.

Sometimes its the promises that we make to ourselves that are the most hurtful when we break them.  What if one reason we aren’t successful is because we don’t trust ourselves.  We don’t believe ourselves when we say something.  If we can’t trust ourselves how can we expect anyone else to trust us.

I am proving to myself that I am worthy of trust.

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Grateful

Preparing to leave and go to work.  People ask me if I like my job.  I do not.  But I am grateful for it.

I am grateful for the opportunity to do and provide for my family.  I take pride in working hard.  Even though I know it isn’t my purpose there is something impactful about giving your all — doing your best.

One of my favorite books is The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  It is about establishing the agreements or the beliefs we have about ourselves and the world we live in.

One of the agreements is to “Always do your best.”  It is simple; it is powerful.

I realize even when I am not the best, when I give my best effort it covers my blemishes.

I can live with that.

 

 

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